


A Few Moments

by ready_to_kick_some_ass



Category: Deutschland 83, Deutschland 86 (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-16 02:38:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20167783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ready_to_kick_some_ass/pseuds/ready_to_kick_some_ass
Summary: A few nice careless moments. That’s what Alex is seeking. Nothing more nothing less.





	A Few Moments

A few nice careless moments. That’s what Alex’s seeking. Nothing more nothing less.

He moves in the flashing colourful lights and lets the music infect his senses.

Life goes on and he feels like he belongs. That’s an improvement.

Before this, before the city and the club and the hospice, he has always felt like a stranger, more or less. He has always been playing a role. Has been wearing a mask. In the army, at home, everywhere.

But, you can't do that forever. At some point, every mask will slip and the world will know.

He's kind of relieved, his mask had been ripped off long ago.

Now, he isn't playing a role anymore. He's him.

Now, he feels like there’s still a place for him in this world. Somewhere he can exist without asking himself what he’s even doing every single day. He has a purpose and people, who care about him, without wanting to use him.

Still. Life is exhausting. There are days on which he’s so tired he doesn’t know how to go on. Days, on which he remembers the weight of the gun in his hand. The gun he was going to end his life with.

He watches the world balancing on the edge of destruction. People are still determined to bomb each other into the void. People are still suffering everywhere. Children are dying, are starving, are killed by guns … and sometimes it hurts so much, he doesn’t know where to put all the pain and ends up with a heart ache that just won’t fade. And he feels helpless.

He watches people dying in the hospice. Watches them disappear slowly, fading into nothing. Watches the light in their eyes go out. He wonders often enough, if this is how he’s going to go too. And he feels helpless.

It’s not only the present. The past tortures him just as well. The images are haunting him in his nightmares. The gunshot echoing in his head countless times. The blood on his hands. Moritz – no. that’s not his name, is it. But he doesn’t even know his real one … - screaming at him, shaking his shoulders.

Sometimes, the nightmares wake him up and he pants into the darkness of his small flat. Sometimes, Tim is there to calm him down, wrapping his arms around Alex’s trembling body, his smooth warm skin a comforting presence.

Once, after a particular bad dream, which involved his father laying on the floor, blood pooling around him, Tim is hugging him close, mumbling soothing words. And when Alex calmed down enough to form words, he whispers, “Make love to me. Please”, his voice trembling and way too soft.

It’s stupid. He wants the word gone as soon as they escaped his mouth. But they’re out and _God_, he’s so pathetic.

But Tim kisses the thoughts away. His lips are fire in the chill air of the night.

He reaches over to switch on the light on the nightstand, fumbles around for a moment, for lube and condoms. Alex watches the muscles moving under Tim’s skin. He’s already hard and painfully aroused. He wants. He wants Tim. He wants to forget. He wants to feel wanted. Wants to feel loved. He wants.

They pull each other’s clothes off. They land on a crumpled heap on the floor. Alex shivers. It’s cold. The sharp air reminds him of approaching winter. It’s not his favourite season. Everything is going to be grey and bare. But when Tim is around a little while longer, he muses, they could warm each other. Get some tea. Or hot chocolate. Holding hands hidden under the table. Winter could be nice. Could be.

Tim touches him. He takes his time. His hands are roaming over Alex’s body, as if he’s marvelling at a piece of art. He kisses his way over Alex chest, mapping out every freckle and scar he can discover in the dim moonlight.

Alex closes his eyes and allows himself to just feel. It has never been this way. The first time has been volatile and way too much to comprehend in that short amount of time. Tobias had been careful and gentle, had given as much as he’d taken. But still. It felt like a dream. And they never did it again. After he left home and moved to the city alone, he has had sex a few times. He was eager to explore. Life is short. It could be over any moment. But the sex had been fast, more a hungry fumbling than lovemaking. This, with Tim, is so much more. Tim really makes love to him. For whatever reason.

Tim finally starts to prepare him, his eyes never leaving Alex face, as he writhes and moans, his eyes fluttering.

“Ready?” Tim asks, his voice just a husky whisper.

“Yeah. Come on,” Alex pants, putting his hands-on Tim’s back, feeling the smooth warm skin. There’s a silent moment when Tim puts the condom on with a concentrated frown. When he pushes in, they both groan. Alex’s fingernails bite into Tim’s skin. He throws his head back. His toes curl as a shiver of pleasure runs up and down his spine. The world is quiet. Everything focuses on this moment. Perfect.

Tim hovers over him. He looks down at Alex with a certain kind of hunger that makes him shiver. He waits a long moment before he starts to move in calm, slow, controlled movements. He pushes in deep and the pleasure is an ocean, wave after wave rushing through Alex’s body. He presses his face into the crook of Tim’s neck and wraps his arms around him, maybe gripping too firmly, maybe causing pale skin to bruise, but Tim never complains. Tim just continues moving, searching Alex’s face for any sign of what feels best. He’s so eager to please, so gentle and kind, it’s almost too much to bear. Alex isn’t sure if he deserves it.

Their gasps and moans mingle, loud in the silence of the room.

Tim presses his sweaty forehead against Alex’s. He drinks every moan that leaves Alex’s mouth and gives back his own.

Alex catches himself wishing this could last forever.

But … No. He doesn’t want – need – this to last forever. Doesn’t dare to even start to hope it would.

A few nice careless moments. Some new memories to banish the old ones. A prove that he can still be happy. At least sometimes. That’s all he needs right now.

**Author's Note:**

> I've only seen two episodes of the new season so far. Really hope there will be more of these two and Alex can - maybe - be at least a little bit happy :/ 
> 
> ~
> 
> I'm not a native speaker and always grateful for being corrected! I'm constantly trying to improve my English, so please don't hesitate to tell me about mistakes. <3  
You can also tell me if you're missing a certain tag/trigger warning, I'll add it. 
> 
> Visit me on tumblr: [ready-to-kick-some-ass](https://ready-to-kick-some-ass.tumblr.com/) :)


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